My 41st Birthday…..
This is the birthday blog. Where to even begin?
I will be 41 this year, not even joking, 41. I used to lie about my age. I think I was 36 for like 5 years, but it doesn’t bother me anymore, at all. Be it good genes, or clean eating? Not sure. My 3 S’s to avoid for good health and a youthful appearance are: smoking, stress and sugar. I do my best but it’s not always easy!
As everyone knows I am completely transparent and honest about who I am, always. That comes from confidence, I am sure, but the not giving a fuck what anyone thinks of me, is a trait of the aspergers. I am ok with that. This blog will be no different. I consider all of my fans, family, without you I wouldn’t be where I am today and let’s be honest, I’m doing ok. I’m not the richest model, I’m not getting 1k tributes for doing nothing. Quite frankly, I fucking suck at Findom. I charge what I am worth and could never make logic of demanding thousands for doing literally nothing but being hot. I think that speaks to my character and is the reason I have such longevity with my fans and subs.
About five months ago, I was killing it. I rarely had less than five figures in the bank. I paid off my car and put down a fair amount to get my new car. Each time I paid my rent, I could have paid two more. But that all fell apart. Let me tell you how.
Since July 2020 I’ve been trying to get a toxic man out of life. Unfortunately I have his last name. You all know the story but not all the details. I immediately handled the custody aspect and got that wrapped up, but wasn’t sure I wanted to file divorce. I never wanted to get married again but I did, and when I did I said that was it. I no longer believed in divorce. However, sometimes we get catfished for years. I met him on twitter (first mistake) and after studying me for quite some time, he presented himself as everything I wanted. A rope rigger, a dom, a strong supportive type and most of all, father material. The first time we met he told me the saddest story.
His wife was moving away with their daughter so he sold his machinist business and all his BDSM equipment to follow her to be near his child. He told me stories about how savage she was and how she would scream at opposing team fans when they rooted against her team. Her name was Aerial. Then one night he was standing in my room and says ok, full disclosure. I do not have a wife and was not married to the mother. I have a son. His mother was cheating on her fiancée with me and I got her pregnant. I have a son. I signed off my parental rights. He also claimed he was in federal prison for a few months, and went to film school in New York. None of these things were true. No children, no wife, no prison, no college. I married a stranger and to this day, I do not truly know who he is. To make matters worse, his family doted on me and my kids, drawing us in. Elaborate gifts, over the top Christmases, fully funded wedding at a mansion in new Hampshire with horses and all.
They gave him 10k for the down payment on our house. He gutted the house that really only needed tile and new drywall then he sat down in his chair for 2 years and never got out of it except to go to work and sit outside and smoke cigarettes and talk shit on Twitter. Our sex life was non-existent after the baby came. He had an eating disorder which ravaged the happiness of my older kids and left me with a pretty severe eating disorder. Yes, an eating disorder. So to the muslims who beg me to put my healthy weight back on, you don’t know what I’ve been through, so be nice.
The last weekend of May, the day was like any other. He came in the door from work, bitching and angry about something as usual. As soon as the door opened, my kids scrambled and the yelling began. This time it was extra bad though, I took the kids and we packed a bag and went to stay in fort myers at my favorite waterfront hotel for the weekend. It was so fantastic but it was also a time for me to hit the reset button and really think about the fact I’d been avoiding and probably would have kept avoiding if I’d not gotten that text when I returned; the fact was that I had to get us out of there. Then Monday afternoon after we’d returned the text came.
He texted me and told me that he was going to need me to change my last name and he would be filing for divorce because he was embarrassed that my mother was defending the confederate flag on facebook and this put his family in danger. I don’t think I even responded, I just started hustling.
The last weekend in June, I moved out. I found an amazing four bedroom house minutes from the beach and I replaced every single fucking thing because that was another aspect of the abuse. Materialism. The day he came over for dinner, the day I signed with my first real estate broker, he started conflict over bowls he said were his… the only thing of his I took. Uncomfortable, unpleasant. Why did I keep letting him back in? But I did. Again and again and again.
Back to four months ago. I was on step 12 and I was thriving. Then the holidays came along and I decided to destroy myself some more.
“Do you want to try and work things out?”
See, I thought that if I could change my approach, vocation and perspective, that I could see if the problem was me. So I did, and I did great. I was patient, I was kind, I was giving.
He grew excessively sexual the few days leading up to new years eve and I thought that was weird because he was never an overly sexual person from day to day. Then on new years eve he sexually violated me. Not rape, not assault. Let’s just say he behaved like a disgusting pig. When I went in the bathroom and lit candles and drew a bath to remove myself from this, he came in, visibly shaken and asked if I wanted to be alone. I said, well I am in the bath so….. He went and got in his car and left at 4am, leaving his shoes and wallet behind. That was it. See, this was a test. We did shrooms that night and that was the only way for me to see how our real energy was together and it was way worse than I ever could have expected.
Since then he has reached out to everyone he can who hates me. Old conflicts that had died down he set in sunlight and watered. One model called the breeder I was buying a dog from and told her not to sell me the dog because I abuse animals and just recently someone else he’s been in contact with posted my photos and personal phone number to a model hire site. Don’t think that went unpunished. I’m quite certain they were surprised when a slew of scrappers showed up for free copper then lifestyle gays started calling for the free anal hooks. Check and mate. But it goes beyond petty shots. I’ve had to block him from all my underage daughter’s social media, but he continues to share her pics and links with people who hate me. He can’t phase me so he is coming at my kid.
One day all this will be over. There will be no communication except visitation and he won’t be able to kick the stool out from under me anymore. But let’s just say, as a result of the incident on NYE, I am back at step 1 out of 12. But I will get back where I was. I always do. And this is why my availability has been sporadic at best.
Now onto work stuffs, which is why you’re really here….
The mastercard mandates made it hard for everyone. Clips4Sale really was the only place we could post religious and raceplay to start with. As many of you know I have been banned from Onlyfans, Manyvids, and AVNstars. I always said if I lost c4s I don’t know if I could continue. But, I can, and I am. This newsletter is fucking genius if I do say so myself and it never would have happened if not for the undying devotion of my slave Punkin who has maintained an amazing domme promo blog for years. He did my interview a couple years ago, then I asked him if he wanted to be a film slave, and the rest is history. He wears my collar, he is my property but he is also my friend. I don’t know how I would have made it through some days without him. He inspires me to work, to drink my water, and to be a better person. I love you punkin!
And that’s it! Here are my goals for 41
1. make a fuckton of money
2. finish my bachelors
3. buy a cheap pickup truck for kayak trips
4. invest into a ROTH IRA
5. get back to strength training
And my yeet list for 41
1. Real Estate sales associate (the whole market/industry has changed and it’s the absolute worst time to try and sell houses)
2. put people to the trash who do not improve the quality of my life
3. dissolve my absolute nightmare of a marriage and get my last name back
If you’ve made it to the end of this sappy ass blog, you love me and now know me a little bit better.
I appreciate you!